I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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