Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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