Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
