Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
