I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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