he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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