when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
