who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
someone get that fucking seahorse.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
