I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
