If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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