please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
