Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize