shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
