Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
