yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
