sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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