we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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