it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
