how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
