I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
