my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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