I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
