Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i dont even know how to be here
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
