i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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