I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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