There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
