Can i not drive my cunt home
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
