note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
