we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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