How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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