Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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