hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
