Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
