come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
