Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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