My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I love having hate sex.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
