I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish you could order shots online.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize