woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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