He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize