i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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