His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
