I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
