Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
