I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
