I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
