My nipple is on Facebook.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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