i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize