we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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