I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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