I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize