i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
be right there i have to get my cape
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
