I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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