I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
