She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
