Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Randomize
