eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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