RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
