i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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